Swancon 7 – Squonk! (Friday)

Transcribed by Elaine Walker

From the Swancon 7 Ephemera, this is the Newsheet from Friday 29th January, 1982.

All typos wherever possible have been faithfully recorded.


the all-new, whiter-than-white, bio-degradable, non-stick, water-absorbent, oh-my-brain-hurts SWANCON 7 daily newsheet.

A simple series of questions and answers:


What is a Squonk? Answer: It is a newsheet that will be printed each day to give details of programmed items, programme changes, and bits of news in general (all tit bits, hot gossip, rumour, et cetera welcome).


What is a day-manager? Answer: the day-manager is the person responsible for ensuring "the smooth-running of the convention programme" (please keep guffaws to a minimum).
How do you recognise the day-manager? Answer: they are the ones running around doing more screaming than anyone else. Day-managers are:

Friday: Greg Turkich
Saturday: Julia Ferguson
Sunday: Seth Lockwood
Monday: John McDouall
What do day-managers do to you: Answer: they collect you and organise you if you are on a panel, et cetera. Please try and be co-operative by being around the convention rooms by about ten minutes before your item.
What do you do to day-managers: Answer: uou go to them if you have problems finding an item, want information on the programme, have a question regarding the convention, and so on.


What about them? Answer: any computers will be housed in the conference board room. Please do not eat, drink or smoke around them, and generally be careful. If someone else is waiting to use the machines don’t hog them.


Is it wet? Answer: yes. The pool is available for use by con-attendees.


How do I enter? Answer: put down the name and the category you are going in on the list at the registration desk. The categories are Best Male, Best Female, and Best Group.


What, what, what, what? Answer: listen, listen, listen, listen. The auction will accept almost anything for auctioning. Bring it along Sunday morning. If you are auctioning for personal gain (shock, horror), please include include a slip of paper giving name, address, and reserve price. Swancon 7 will of course take a percentage cut (this cut will not be taken on goods auctioned for GUFF, DUFF et cetera).

Tea and coffee will be supplied on an (are you ready for this?) honesty system. Please keep the area tidy. A donation of a silver coin would be appreciated (and expected (hence honesty, okay)).

Now!! — turn over………(et cetera)

SQUONK! Friday 29th January, 1982.


1400:1700. Registration. Yes, yes, all very boring. But what else can you do while waiting? Try talking to people, or com and see me (Seth Lockwood) if you want to talk about fanzines, or learn how to work a duplicator or anything remotely Fanzine Workshoppish.
I have never run a workshop before, and so this Fand Fanzine Workshop is, shall we say, going to appear on an ad hoc basis. (Gee, I wish I knew what ad hoc meant.)
One aim is to produce a one-off zine for the convention; so feel free to come and use the typewriter that will be set up in the borad room (with the computers, et cetera).
1700:1800. Opening address. General welcome, and all that sort of guff, plus information et cetera on various things.
1800:2000. Dinner. Self-explanatory?
2000:late. Opening night Party. You vill get to know ze people! Also entertainment from Dave Luckett, John McDouall   d Bobo Gden¹ with his neo-intro slide show that reveals all you never really could be bothered finding out about sf fandom.

Here endeth the official Squonk. Anything that might follow probably won’t make sense, so I wouldn’t worry too much.

If you value your sanity, i suggest that you don’t read Warren Stuart’s book.

Just wait until I bring out my fanzine called The WestArsSwan FlyAr. It,s taken years to write and days to burn. Coming soon… War Star. (Warren Stewart)

Over to someone else now. c u

So much for that heap of syphilitic dog turds. This is gonna a be a tough con; none of this namby-pamby pantywaist shit. People who don’t enjoy themselves are gonna be fed their own ears. Foist of all, yer all gonna drink; then yer all gonna screw; then yer all gonna rob banks and beat up old ladies and crippled wombats and paraplegic lepers and hamsters with pneumonia and cancerous numbats; then yer gonna eat them. Or else we get Doug and Dinsdale to visit yer. This is gonna be a tough convention. –*- – – -Spiny Norman.

(Ian Nicols)

¹In times where he was constrained to be acting outside fandom Bobo Gden was apparently known as Bob Ogden

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