Swancon icks (9) Progress Report The Last — Programme

Transcribed by Doug Burbidge

  Yea! Yippee! Let joy be unconfined! Praise de Lord!


Now, kiddywinkles, you’re not going to get the utter and absolute final number of this programme here and now; like, I’m not going to lay out the final timetable. What I will give to you is a brief listing of the definitely confirmed stuff, and the days that its on, in some sort of order. If you want the final programme, buy it from Michael Moorcock come to the convention.
The proceedings open with that traditional con item, ‘Registration’. This particular item will continue throughout the con, for all those too slack to get to the desk in time.
* A specially commissioned Harrison A.V. from Transfinite, complete with participation and thingies of the highest professional standards.
* The opening address and Know Thine Enemy show, in which the committee members will be introduced to the peasants members of the convention, so that you not only know who to blame, but what they look like.
* The official welcome to Harry Harrison, to which he has right of reply.
* THE GREAT DEBATE. The savage spectacle of Perth’s intellectuals flexing their conundrums in public. SEE the carnivorous sorites! SEE the quiche and pie voting system! HEAR the the awesome sounds of entire systems of logic crumbling as they clash in disputing the question of whether or not “Fans is Wimps”.
* Perth by night; a quick tour, via bus and extremely sober driver, around what passes for vitality in Perth. Explore the vast cloaca of the Mighty West! Experience Supper at Fast Eddies! Learn where to get it! (This will, however, cost extra. Book early.)
* Films galore, for all those totally incapable of relating to human beings, we will have electronic friends displaying a selection of films unsurpassed by anything this side of Gidgigannup, as long as you don’t come too far this side of Gidgigannup.

* Fan Physical Fitness. A few limbering-up exercises to clear away the hangovers. Believe me, friend, a little activity in the early hours is very good for you. I speak from long experience of hangovers, and just lying in bed and suffering is a guaranteed way of being a mess for the rest of the con. Come and join us.
*PANELS: We got;
– Australia in the Space Age.
– W.A. Fanzines.
– Science fiction and fantasy Role Playing games – with intros for the novice.
– Food of the Ghods – an insight into the culinary habits of some revered professional authors of our field, and some of it will even be true.
– The interview with Harry Harrison.
– The “Wedding of the Year”. (So far, nobody has given me details on this one, but I know who the participants are going to be, and my nostril hairs are curling up at the thought of what could happen.)
– Useless inventions of the 25th century: not quite a panel, more something else.
– Another A.V. More good stuff from Transfinite.
– The Not Quite So Great Debate: Real serious stuff about whether “There is a need for an Alternative Worldcon”.

**********THE MASQUERADE CABARET**********
Welcome to the Table 4 Cafe, bar and Grill, Mine host – honest Ali Stone.
All people meet at the crossroads of the Universe. Whatever your pleasure, you can get it here, and probably cheaper than anywhere else. Dance the night away to the music of “Slippery Jim and the Rattettes”. Relax and watch the spectacular cabaret acts: giggle to “The Life and Times of St. Augustin of Hippo”, thrill to the savage android attacks. The Costume parade will have your eyes starting from your head. Prizes and much fun. Be there!

More Fan Physical Fitness.
* The Auction, where you get the chance to give us all your money. But, let’s face it, where else will you get the chance to buy the opportunity to hurl a custard pie at the committee member of your choice?
*PANELS: We got;
– The Dystopic vision in SF. Pretty appropriate for 1984, huh?
– Great Undiscovered Early Australian SF. Thrill to the works of Henry Lawson, Steele Rudd, Marcus Clark, and others that you didn’t even know about, let alone that they wrote SF.
* Another Transfinite A.V.
* Another A.V. from Chris Nelson.
* Harry Harrison reading from his own works – either of them!
* No less than two plays and a radio play. Good Heavens! A genuine feast of thespianism.
* The Awards Banquet. Now, your Friendly Programmer gets a little bit fuzzy about this at this stage of the proceedings, mainly because the whole thing is being arranged by our Beloved Hotel Liaison, Greg Turkich. But, we will have awards, speeches, food, drinks, more speeches, more drinks, still more speeches, music, wassailing, mer speeches, a good time, mar spishe, and a final collapse. The first speech will be Harrison’s GoH speech. This costs extra, and book early because ****PLACES ARE LIMITED****

* More Fan Physical Fitness, and you’ll need it, because the next event is. . . .
* The Fan Olympics. How fast can you collate a ‘zine? How far can you put[sic] a tribble? How big an ego can you boost? Come and be all competitive and stuff.
* The Final of the First Annual Rail Baron Competition. A really boring event for those not involved. If you want to be involved, apply to join one of the elimination rounds AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE.
* A special film from one of WA’s own burgeoning Coppolas; Seth (I only do it for my friends) Lockwood. I mean, this one actually had things like a budget, and real actors, and real cameramen, and everything, so it’s not another in the incredibly boring “antifan” series.
* Filk songs. Any filk songs that have been written at the con are eligible for public display/release/escape at this little session.
* The closing ceremonies. Boo. Hiss. Weep and gnash teeth. Demands to turn back the clock. Followed by the ceremonial drowning of the committee in alcohol. (Your shout).

Well, that’s it for now. There will be more bits and pieces added on as people get off their asses begin sending in their last minute ideas and contributions. But,
     love and kisses,

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