Page 6 of the SwanCon XV Progress Report Two has a Garfield theme. At the top left there is a small rectangle containing a line drawing of Garfield with the words ‘Vice is My Life’ (this is approximately the heading for the page); while slap bang in the centre, with the words flowing around, is a line drawn grinning Odi staring straight out at the reader.
The running head says ‘Advice?’ and the sub-head ‘(Garfield Knows it Well)’, with by-line ‘by Ann Griffiths’.
Well, that’s only been since the SwanCon XV Committee decided on a title for my position: Vice Coordinator (note that there’s no hyphen in that title). Basically, I’m a General Factotum. I make sure that Don (the Coordinator) remembers to do things and I help the other committee members if asked. I also have another function, but more on that later.
At the moment, I feel like I’m in the grip of a vice, under pressure to write something witty and intelligent, and failing miserably. It’s enough to drive me to drink the ermined fruit of the vitis. It’s grossly immoral to have created this office before SwanCon’s vicennial. Learn a new word – look it up!
Now, my other function. At each and every meeting of the committee I am required to supply something which can be construed as a vice, providing immoral support to the committee. If you’re curious about what these things are, ask any committee member and watch someone go red. Nowadays the drug scene is taking off in leaps and bounds. For instance, what started as coca leaves was processed to cocaine, was further processed to crack and is now processed to ice. Designer drugs such as Ecstasy have hit the Yuppie market. Unusual vices are rife in the works of science fiction. Wireheading, Tasps and Thionite are but a sample.
Who knows how many more will emerge in the near future?
But enough of this moral turpitude. It’s time for me to go and sample some more vices (I have to road-test them before unleashing them on the members of the committee). I hope that you realise that even reading can be considered a vice, especially if you’re a Moslem and Salmon [sic] Rushdie’s Satanic Verses is the work!
Just Remember: Whatever you do, enjoy yourself.