Transcribed by Doug Burbidge
(being a transcription of page 7 of Progress report 1 for Swancon Icks (#9))
This issue we probe with sympathy and compassion some of the more fannish items already scheduled for the Swancon Nine Programme. And where better to begin than the big one:
THE GREAT DEBATE: “FANS IS WIMPS”
Yes, after a number of really dumb, wishy-washy arguments in past years (“The Toilet’s Role In SF”, “Fandom Is Curable”, and “SF – Quality Or Quantity”), the Great Debate will once again return to heights of superlative contention unseen since the infamous early days. Finally a topic of such relevance and profound implication for all humankind that eyeballs bulged around the committee table when it was first suggested. Who are the quiche-eaters amongst us? Do Real Fen kick quokkas? Ooh, ooh. I’ve already bagged my place on one of the teams.
PERTH BY NIGHT.
The inaugural sleaze tour of Perth, hosted by the Master of Sleaze himself, Mr Ian Nichols. Seconded by our very own almost-a-member-of-the-Vice Squad, Mr Greg Turkich. Wanna bet that nothing happens in Perth after my bedtime? Not everyone turns into pumpkins. . . This is scheduled to run in the early hours of Saturday morning, so you can get back to the hotel and get a few hours sleep before:
FAN PHYSICAL FITNESS.
The much heralded scheme for keeping Swancon Nine attendees in fighting form. What better way of starting the day than giving yourself a real reason for attending massage parties later? And of course, Real Fen are not wimps, are they? (Thank god I’m no real fan.)
The Ultimate Subliminal.
And finally a few lines that will, if you read them fast enough, act as an irresistible, powerful subconscious stimuli:
YES! IT IS TRUE! Hard though it is to grasp, it is a fact that there are actually hundreds–yes, hundreds, not just dozens–of people alive today who have never attended a Swancon. Of course it isn’t the sort of thing that gets in the respectable press, but nevertheless it’s true. Shocking? Sure. It’s fucking outrageous. What can you do to help these poor souls? Send fifteen dollars to us here at Swancon Nine, Citadel of Good and Wholesome Things, to spread The Word. And of course, you’ll then also be in line to receive great big heaps of Fascinating and Uplifting Literature, just like this, what you will be real proud to display on your coffee table; in addition to which you’ll be eligible to attend lodge meetings, and even the Big Event itself. Why risk the self-remorse, the guilt, the misery, the self-contempt and hate, the absolute icky-yicky feeling of Not Being A Member Of Swancon Nine? Buy in today.
You’ll be so glad you did. Promise.